Tsuyu, Japan’s rainy season, is famous for shutting down roads and causing traffic accidents, as I found out when I fell off my bike and skinned my knee last week. (I’m okay!)
But yesterday, tsuyu claimed its first casualty, though no surprise, as the victim was a notoriously bad driver:
That is one very big, very dead toad, and it brings up an interesting question:
How drunk is Mr. Toad?
Ostensibly a children’s story, The Wind in the Willows was a favorite of mine growing up, and not for nothing, as Toad, Ratty, Mole, and Badger make one helluva formidable team. But let’s not overlook the obvious: Mr. Toad is an alcoholic. Those lonely nights in big, empty Toad Hall, and after one snifter too many from the well-stocked cabinet, you need a taste of speed just to feel alive.
Dude has crashed more cars than Usain Bolt! And you know that close shave with the mice wasn’t the only such episode. The roads of the Wild Wood are probably littered with Toad’s hit and run victims, squirrels and rabbits and voles, oh my!
Why is it that beloved childhood characters are always revealed to have some kind of crippling addiction later in life? Goodness knows it isn’t just Toad who ended up being a little too human. (I’m looking at you, Rape-y Le Pew.)
On a more somber note, the second casualty of tsuyu ended up being my iPod, which–after two days on life support–succumb to injuries sustained during repeated water-boarding in the pocket of my Gore-Tex jacket on Saturday night.
But fear not, my little cochleae, for you won’t go without music for long. Chelmsford McMoneybags here will be throwing down for an upgrade to the iPod Touch before the week is out.
Anyway, fuck you, tsuyu. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE TOADS.